Operation Improved Lifestyle: Feeling Lost, Aching for Change



So, I've had a bad day today. In fact, I've had a bad day everyday for the past fortnight or so. Not only have I been plagued by constant headaches, sickness and a tiredness that is beyond any exhaustion I have ever known, my mood has been the lowest it has been in ages. While I normally strive to keep this reality off the internet, it has been managing to seep through into my social media while I've been trying to ignore it rather than dealing with the problem(s) head on. At first, I was angry at myself, how dare I be so pathetic when people out there have it so much worse than me. Then I got defensive. Surely I'm allowed to be miserable every now and again? Now I just don't care: I'm not apologising for the way I feel and neither should you. 

What's up with me then? Besides feeling ill I'm increasingly exasperated by certain aspects of my life. I hate living 200 miles away from my boyfriend. Embarrassingly, I'm being bratty at the minute because I'm jealous that not only did he do a 2 week road trip round Europe this year, but he is now in Florida. I'm annoyed at myself because I've committed to my current job and I love it. Yet I know I'm planning to move 200 miles away as soon as I can afford to, leaving the people who've given me the best chances and opportunities I've had since I graduated in the dust. I need a holiday. I'm really, really bored of feeling too ill to do anything other than go to work. And so on and so forth.

It's times like this that I start to dream. I imagine fantastic trips around the world in my head. I make up a fabulous group of friends who are always ready for whatever it is I want to do, whether that's partying until the sun comes up or joining every night for fantastic meals at fantastic restaurants. I make up a world where work isn't constantly on my mind. A life where James is already there or I'm having so much fun that I don't notice he's gone so much.

Except, sitting there, feeling lost, aching for change, isn't going to help. What I need to do is take action. I've posted about operation improved lifestyle before but other than my spending ban successes, I haven't really taken much action. Guess what though? I've had enough. I've decided yeah, I can moan about everything as much as I please, but it's also time to start doing something about it. Wednesday I've finally got that much needed doctors appointment, and I've been looking over my 22 before 23 list working out what I can take action on. I've already started my own personal lent and given up coke! So, I think the message I'm trying to convey here is: it's ok not to be ok. It's ok to be fed up and miserable, and it's ok to moan about that too. But don't lose sight of the most important thing: you can change your life. Only you can change your life. And if you're at the point I am, it's time to make that change.