Sometimes, I don't feel like blogging. Sometimes, I don't feel like doing much at all. For nearly two weeks now, I've been off work, taking some much needed holiday time in Wakefield and Anglesey. I was full of ambition for my time off. I was going to blog on a daily basis, promote the posts I was writing, interact with other bloggers, join in numerous Twitter chats, start work on a new project I've been "planning for ages." And yet, I stepped off that train in Wakefield, broken suitcase in one hand, broken handle in the other, juggling my daily handbag and laptop bag as well and it seems everything hit me at once.
I'd be lying if I said that 2014 hasn't been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I won't go into detail because I already have a few times on this blog now, but wow. Sometimes it amazes me I'm still standing. In July, I made the decision to go back on anti-depressants. Although I feel I've been managing my depression and anxiety much better this year, it got to the point where I decided I needed a little bit of extra help again.
Thankfully, citalopram seems to be helping. My biggest fear when it comes to medicating my depression is side effects. In the past I've had extreme insomnia, extreme hypersomnia and one made me so much worse I felt I was genuinely a danger to myself for a short while. For the first week or so on citalopram I felt quite sick and I found it difficult to sleep, but that has worn off now and my moods are a lot more stable.
Unfortunately, while my new anti-depressants seem to be working on the mental side of my depression as I am a lot happier these days, it seems to have emphasised some of the more physical symptoms of my illness. I am beyond exhausted. I can barely stay awake during the day at the moment and while I was in Anglesey with my family, I would often go back to my grandparents house in the afternoon to have a nap because I just couldn't keep up with everything we had planned.
When you feel as fatigued as I do at the moment, even things you genuinely love doing - like blogging - get so difficult. This time round I'm having to admit defeat and tell myself my body is letting my know it's time to stop and it's time to rest. As I said, 2014 so far has been insane and I've not really had any time off to think about everything, have a rest and come to terms with everything that has changed.
I'm still feeling very bleh as I write this, but while I was in Wales and I didn't have my laptop around, I realised how much I genuinely do miss blogging and want to do it, rather than feeling like I should so I'm going to ease myself back into it. I had other writing commitments this week and when I sent my final copy off, I decided I'd give The Glitter Vixen a little bit of my time as well.
I'm not exactly sure what the point of this post is, it's a little personal and I'm guessing serves no value to anyone besides myself but I wanted to gather my thoughts and "explain" myself I guess.
I hope you're all well xoxo