Letting Go Of "The Life That Could Have Been"


So, this is 2016.

I'm single. I live 200 miles away from my family. I have no love for the town or flat I live in. I love my job, but it's a two and a half hour commute away that costs a lot more money than I have. I have injured my foot and knees so I can't get around very easily and Swindon's one saving grace, it's roller derby team, is off limits to me. I haven't really set any real goals and there's tumbleweed rolling across my blog.

So this is 2016. 

Ever since the day I left university in June 2012, staring out the back window of the car with tears in my eyes as I left Aberystwyth, it feels like my life has been a long, slow, painful roll downhill. I had my heart set on a particular career path with a particular company and learnt the hard way that even the best laid plans can go awry. 

2014 was supposed to be the year all that changed. I was supposed to start a brand new career, in a brand new town, move in with my boyfriend. It was meant to be my happily ever after. I got the brand new career, but my relationship fell apart and I ended up moving house a grand total of four times.

So this is 2016.

My life after graduation hasn't been at all what I expected. My life was supposed to look so very, very different. Part of me is still clinging to The Life That Should Have Been. I'm still harbouring hope that my move down south wasn't for nothing, that I could still have that perfect relationship, perfect house, perfect life. 

But really, I need to move on. It's time to start mourning The Life That Could Have Been. 

I've spent entirely too long making decisions based on my feelings for my ex-boyfriend and that has left me in rather a tricky situation. Not to mention, Emily Jane Garthwaite is a total stranger to me. I've got very little sense of self or who I am any more. This makes it incredibly difficult to set goals and targets for the year ahead. It makes it incredibly hard for me to see 2016 as the brand new start and fantastic opportunity it really is. 

So this IS 2016!

Deep down, I know there is one thing I truly want and that is to be better. This year I really want to focus on me. At first that will be learning who I am on my own, rather than as one half of a unit. Once I've got that down, I'll know what it is I want from life and I'll be able to start setting goals and building some structure back into my life. 

One thing I've never quite managed to lose sight of, is this blog. I've had a lot of hobbies in my lifetime, but none have stuck with me the way that blogging has, I truly love it. Unfortunately, it tends to get neglected but I'm hoping that at some point during 2016, I'll have regained enough control again to build it into the space I always wanted it to be. That being said, while my mind is still all over the place, I imagine my blog will be all over the place too. I hope as I gain more clarity and insight into who I am as a person again, my blog will also become a place of clarity and insight. 

So this is it, my first post of 2016. 

I wrote this more for myself than anyone else, but if anyone does have any advice on learning who you are and how to love who you are, I will welcome you with open arms. It's nice to have a nice, public cathartic vent every now and then. 

Happy New Year.